Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
