im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
