Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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