I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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