I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
