Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
