I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need water and some morals
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize