Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
