oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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