very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
