I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
