I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
