End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
