I cut my penus on the lid.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
