I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
