I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
