it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
