as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize