I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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