And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize