Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Someone came in the potted fern
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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