Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i drank out of a bidet.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
