You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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