I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
