do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
