my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
