Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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