I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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