filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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