I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
