Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
