Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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