i already hear my dad disowning me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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