What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize