My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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