so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
