the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
