i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
