Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
