My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
