the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
