apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
