Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
