She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
