Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
