I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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