I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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