nut hugger
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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