So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
