Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
