i can't believe i had my finger in that
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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