I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
