Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
