Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
