when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Mom said you looked used
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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