finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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