The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
