I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I puked a lego.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
