i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
